The Wound of the Narcissist (Part 2)
How to manage the relationship with a narcissist?
Just before Covid -19 pandemia impacted our life, I remember Jesus Sanfiz Nou, a well-known psychologist based in Barcelona, saying:
“Elisabetta, why don’t you build a workshop or a training programme and teach how to recognise and manage ‘narcissism’? Today it is such an important topic. You have been surrounded and challenged by several narcissists in your life: in family of origin, marriage, and in the world of work and friendships too.
You have well-survived to all and now you live a life of freedom and joy, something that not many ever achieve experiencing. Who better than you can support people to understand ‘narcissism’ and its consequences?”
“I don’t think recognising ‘narcissism’ is the real and only problem”, I replied with a smile.
“The real issue is knowing how to manage ‘narcissism’ without being destroyed by it and by continuing to connect and be a source of positive love and responsibility for ourselves and others.
“In order to do so”, I continued to say, “ we need to work on ourselves first. Something people normally don't look like taking on board as a life exercise. And today, I do understand why: it is a real effort!”
Photo Source: https://www.newyorker.com/culture/jia-tolentino/what-happens-when-we-decide-everyone-else-is-a-narcissist
The risk we run by judging instead of understanding
If we avoid this principle, in dealing with a pathological or even non-pathological narcissist, we may somehow run the risk of acting as narcissists ourselves, exactly as those we want to learn to manage.
We may possibly turn to become their victims or even worse: depending on our temperament and past conditioning we may end up becoming persecutors ourselves, blaming the outside world the same way real narcissists do, that is to say without assuming responsibility in relationships and setting the blame out..
Why? Because very often narcissists have the conscious or unconscious ability to trigger narcissism traits in people who have an empathic personality/ structure and are their opposite.
A bit of history
After a long journey to get to know myself, my needs and my wants, I am still learning how to manage narcissists who every now and then show up along my way. It is a learning process!
I have recognised that for sure I am an empathic structure, and the theme I am working on is my tendency to take on my shoulders responsibilities that are not mine: since childhood in fact I have learnt to be the narcissist’s fixer or saviour. How many of us share the same pattern and role and might not be aware of that?
Photo Source: https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/9741
Since I was a child I had become the rescuer, an unhealthy role we all can assume unconsciously in order to survive a difficult childhood when our needs and wants cannot be acknowledged and respected, when we are abandoned, rejected, betrayed by narcissists family members.
In recent months, in order to fully heal myself I decided to keep working at my lack of boundaries with myself first, and then some people surrounding my life, who display narcissists’ characteristics.
Anyone around us can be a narcissistic structure
In the case of a mother, the process is undoubtedly difficult, I agree.
A mother is not chosen, at least so they say.
But as I like to say today: “My soul chose this mom so that I could grow, expand and become the Elisabetta of today.”
A brother? A grandfather? Same thing.
I have learnt to be grateful to all of them for having led me to develop love and responsibility through the challenging relationship we always had and still have together.
Because of their presence in my life since I was a child, I have transformed and finally reconnected with my own essence, which is not at all judgemental of them today. Life is different when we act out of our natural ‘groove’ and spiritual centre.
What about a husband and the father of your daughter? I am sure my soul-essence also in this case consciously chose who I had to marry at 28 and for the same reason: so that I could transform into the conscious human being I am today.
Photo Source: https://www.thecut.com/2016/08/sympathy-for-the-narcissists.html
Relationships come to our life for a reason
The narcissist who arrives on our path comes always for a reason: to act as a mirror. Mirror of what or of whom? Of our own narcissism, the one we all were born with and somehow have consciously or unconsciously decided to bury away. We removed it from consciousness in early childhood, placing it into our shadow bag, where we believe it will remain safely hidden to the world for the rest of our life.
As for me, I absorbed narcissism from an early age, and together with my own innate narcissism, (we all have narcissism traits in us, with no exception) I learned to survive an environment made up of challenging personalities which wanted, consciously or unconsciously, to victimise me as a child, adolescent and adult (the persecutor and victim roles in the Dr. Karpman Triangle, see the Blog The Cursed Triangle), by projecting their own shadow outside.
After many years of work in therapy, I am very well aware that my own anger and intensive emotional traits, when they were suddenly showing up, never wanted to attack or harm others around. When they were, I am aware I simply wanted to protect myself. I wanted to live!
After years of self-blaming I understand that it had always been an anger and a kind of emotional intensity which made me feel strong and safe.
This way, I survived a dysfunctional childhood and adolescence and saved myself, as several therapists I met on the way told me.
Photo Source: https://www.thehealthy.com/mental-health/narcissist-quotes/
Despite being an empathic structure, I am conscious my anger has been nothing else than the same anger of a real narcissist who projects it outside by blaming the world for his/her unhappiness. The difference? Real narcissistic structures don’t take responsibility for their own actions and don’t feel guilty for the harm they keep causing to others. Not only. They are capable of triggering anger in others and have it expressed by emphatic structures on their behalf.
Unlike the past, today I know I am ok and I always have been, despite what I was led to believe through emotional manipulation, abandonment and deep judgement. And yes, I discovered my anger is narcissistic anger! So who gives me the right to judge the other? I need first to take responsibility for what is mine.
The Importance to learn to respond to and manage narcissism
To me learning to recognise and deal with a narcissist was and still is about taking on board the following steps:
Step 1- Recognising the hidden gift behind what at first sight we might define a curse. A quick fix? Certainly not!
It is the journey of resilience, a journey which requires patience, practice and persistence.
It is a process of reconnection with our own essence, the only part of us, human beings, able to observe a narcissist without judgement.
Narcissism has to be understood and firmly loved even though not justified.
Step 2- Learning day by day to observe (different from judging), understand and transform my own innate narcissistic traits (anger and emotional intensity) first of all, working day by day at my shadow side in need of some kind of integration.
Step 3- Drawing the line. What doesn’t it mean? It means setting clear limits (in psychology called boundaries) with any narcissistic personality by keeping due emotional and physical distance if necessary in order to safeguard my own mental health and wellbeing.
Conclusions
Managing a narcissist is not at all about judging or reacting to him/her.
It is a deeper, often painful process requiring observation, recognition, understanding, transformation.
All this is possible when we are willing to:
develop deep resilience
get to know ourselves in & out
acknowledge our authentic needs and wants
reconnect with our essence
stop judging ourselves and others
More than anything else, we need to keep in mind that a narcissist remains a human being like all of us: with internal childhood wounds that have never been recognised, confronted, resolved.
As a child, a narcissist was a victim with no choice just as we all human beings were, with no exception.
Over time, I realised that authentic love and responsibility are the only way to get to know each other and the other… can be a narcissist too!
So… is it useful involving authentic love and responsibility when dealing with a narcissistic personality? Of course it is, and it has to be all done with care and attention too. Because authentic love and responsibility doesn’t mean allowing ourselves emphatic structures to be used like old rugs.
The limits to our love and responsibility when it comes to narcissists must be clearly set up from the very beginning. On the contrary, we might end up being triggered by the narcissist’s manipulative ways and eventually being used, blamed or even persecuted by them.
Something to keep in mind
Every narcissist is a deeply hurt child human being, therefore blinded by his own deep ego-centrism developed to protect himself from further hurts when he is an adult. The narcissist does not know how to recognise and communicate (as we have seen in part 1 of this Blog) his own emotional malaise. He/she is not in the condition to acknowledge and sense the wound he may cause to the person he is continuously, consciously or unconsciously, hurting in toxic cycles of negative love.
Negative (inauthentic) love is what the narcissist learnt as a child to receive and give and the only way to make peace with him/her is to respond with authentic love and responsibility.
This blog post has 4 other similar articles on Narcissism.. To view these blog post click on the links below:
The Empath: The Opposite of Narcisissm
The Cursed Triangle: Persecutor, Rescuer, Victim
This blog post is categorised in the Emotional Dimensions. To view blog post based on the 4 dimensions click on the links below:
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► Elisabetta Franzoso is a multi continental Life and Wellness Coach practicing between Barcelona, London, Milan and Singapore where she has many loyal clients.
► Elisabetta empowers men and women to master their mind, body and personal relationships through renewing their confidence and building a sense of wellness. She does this through her unique Coaching In 4 Dimensions framework which takes into account the physical, emotional, intellectual and relational aspects of humanity.
► Elisabetta will inspire you to live the life you want to live, maximise your potential and achieve self mastery. Aside from coaching, Elisabetta is a passionate social activist and spokesperson against abuse.
► Elisabetta has been featured extensively across international and UK press including Thrive Global, Grazia Magazine, Breathe Magazine and Health & Wellbeing Magazine. Stay up to date with Elisabetta at www.instagram.com/elisabettafranzoso, www.linkedin.com/elisabettafranzoso and www.elisabettafranzoso.com.
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