Relationships Outside & Inside To Inside & Outside
Inside out - A new paradigm of relationships
Relationships in the old world have always had an external focus - we try to make ourselves whole and happy by getting something from outside ourselves. Inevitably, objective or expectation results in disappointment, resentment, and frustration. We cling to relationships out of emotional insecurity or go from one to another searching for that missing piece that we have not yet found.
Now we seem to be approaching a crisis point.
Relationships and families, as we’ve known them, seem to be falling apart at a rapid rate and pace.
Many are trying to re-establishing the old traditions and values system, but it is useless to try to go backward because our consciousness has already evolved beyond the level where we are willing to make the sacrifices necessary to live that way.
Photo Source: https://www.istockphoto.com/photo/true-love-old-couple-holding-hands-gm617888062-107388227
Going from outside-inside
Have you ever observed the way of building and nurturing relationships we have used until now? Stephen Covey, in his popular 7 Habits of Effective People, talks extensively about the old paradigm in relationships.
Normally, this system is not very successful. And despite that, still very set in motion. It starts from outside.
We ignore that people out there and in relationships with us, be it life or work, are seldom able to fulfil our needs consistently and successfully. Before or later, we easily end up being disappointed and frustrated, angry, envious, anxious, and judgemental with others and with ourselves.
Then we either try to change other people to better suit our needs (which never works), or we resign ourselves to accept less than we really want and are worthy of: we settle. Furthermore, when we are trying to give other people what they want, we most invariably do things we don’t really want to do, and end up resenting them either consciously or unconsciously.
It is when we may realise that it doesn’t work to try to take care of ourselves by taking care of others, and that selfish can often be healthy, contrary to all that we have been conditioned by cultures and religions.
I am the only one who can actually take care of me, so I might as well do it directly and allow or even mainly inspire others to do the same things for themselves.
Photo Source: https://therooseveltreview.org/23668/showcase/books-movies-are-creating-toxic-relationship-ideas-for-young-girls/
Taking care of ourselves
Because many of us have never really learned how to take care of ourselves, our relationships have been based on trying to get someone else to take care of us.
As babies, we are very aware and intuitive. We are innocent beings, with a pure heart. From the very moment we are born, we perceive our parents’ emotional pain and neediness and as a consequence we immediately develop the habit to please them and fulfil their needs, with the internal childlike hope that they will continue to take care of us.
Day by day we start losing pieces of ourselves.
Later in our relationships we continue on the same lines. It seems there is an unconscious telepathic agreement:
“I’ll try to do what you want me to do and be the person you expect me to be, if you will be there for me, give me what I need and not leave me.”
Photo Source: https://stock.adobe.com/ee/search?k=toxic+relationship
Without even realising it, we reach adulthood having lost completely a sense of who we were at birth. Often our original temperament shifts and we transform into someone we are not. As time passes by, we remain each day more shut in denial and prisoners of a series of coping mechanisms ( often chemical or emotional / intellectual addictions ) learnt and practised already in childhood and adolescence.
What does it mean to take care of ourselves? For me, today it means trusting and following my intuition, being who I really am, by having recovered my lost, false and disowned self of course. It means acting out from a space of love opposite to fear, trust instead of doubt.
It means taking time to listen to all my own feelings, including the emotions of the inner child or the adolescent within me, those parts of me that have been possibly ignored or hurt in the past, and responding to them with love, care, responsibility and action.
It means putting my inner needs and integrity first and trusting that as I choose to do so, prioritising myself, everyone else's needs will get taken care of, and everything that needs to be done for them or through them will be handled.
Some examples? If I am feeling sad, I will crawl into bed and cry, taking time to be very loving and nurturing to myself. And if mom or a friend calls me to talk, I may feel free to not reply and stay with myself only with no sense of guilt.
Or I might find someone caring to listen to me until some of my feelings are released and I feel lighter.
If I’ve been working too hard, I’m learning to set the work aside no matter how important it seems, and take some time to play or just to take a hot bath, read a book, or watch a movie.
If someone I love wants something from me that I don’t want to give, I am learning to say ‘no’ and trust that me or the one in the relationship will actually be better off than if I did what I indeed didn’t want to. This way, when I say ‘yes’, I really mean it.
Photo Source: https://www.thinkbusiness.ie/articles/learn-to-say-no-in-business
External or internal focus?
As said in the beginning: until today, relationships have always prioritised an external focus and not only do we try to make ourselves whole and happy by getting something from outside ourselves; we often make our happiness depending from the happiness we believe we are responsible to induce in people who live around us: partners, children, parents, relatives, friends and so on.
Photo Source: https://www.weddingwire.com/biz/krystle-watters-photography-huntingdon/1dcfcaf954e378a6.html
Since we were born, the focus has been always on the other person and on the relationship outside itself. We have been conditioned to communicate with the purpose of trying to get the other person to listen and understand us and give us more of what we need. Or to give our listening and understanding outside and neglecting ourselves.
The new focus of relationships should shift from outside to inside. That is when relationships can turn healthy and beneficial in a mutual way.
The focus should be addressed to build a relationship with ourselves first and with the Universe itself too: inside - out.
The first authentic relationship
Relationships are not outside - they are inside of us; it is the simple truth that we must recognise and accept.
My authentic relationship is the one with myself - all others are simply mirrors of it. As I learn to love myself, I automatically receive the love and appreciation from others. If I am committed to my healthy values, I will possibly attract others with equal commitment. My willingness to be intimate with my own deep feelings will create the space for intimacy with another. Enjoying my own company will allow me to have fun with whoever I am with.
Not only. The more I will nurture the confidence to be who I am, the more I allow other people to know that it is ok for them to nurture the same.
And finally feeling the power and aliveness of the Universe flowing through will create a life of passionate emotions and long term fulfilment that I will be able to share with anyone with whom I am involved with.
When I take care of myself in this way, more often than not, I do get what I ask for in relationships. If not, I know the next step is to let go.
It is when it is relevant to go inside ourselves and tune into what our authentic self is communicating us to do next in relationships.
An important part of creating a loving relationship with ourselves is acknowledging our needs and learning to give voice to our basic needs and, when necessary, our wants, too.
Instead, we are afraid to do so because we fear to appear needy and fragile. However it's the hidden, unconscious, and non - recognised need that cause us to be perceived needy and vulnerable.
Therefore, it’s paradoxical that as we recognise and acknowledge our own needs and ask for guidance and support honestly and out of trust, instead of fear. Then it is when we are actually becoming authentically stronger and perceived as truly whole.
Photo Source: https://blogs.scientificamerican.com/observations/the-inconvenient-truth-about-your-authentic-self/
Old world, new World
In conclusion, we are aware now that in new world relationships the focus is on building our relationship with ourselves and the Universe.
But …creating a positive and healthy relationship with ourselves is not done in a vacuum, without relationships with other people. Otherwise, we could all become hermits for a few years until we have a perfect relationship with ourselves and then just emerge and suddenly have perfect relationships with others.
The difference is in the focus. In the old world of relationships, the focus was on the other person and on the relationships itself. In new world relationships, the focus is on building the relationships with ourselves first. But …we have to remember that we also need to be in relationships with the world and function as mirrors.
When we shift the relationship paradigm from out-in to in-out the words may be the same, but the energy is different, and so it is the result.
Elisabetta Franzoso
REFERENCES :
Elisabetta Franzoso: Stella’s Mum Gets Her Groove Back …
Stephen Covey: The 7 Habits of Effective People
Erich Fromm: The Art of Loving
Harville Hendrix: Getting The Love You Want
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► Elisabetta Franzoso is a multi continental Life and Wellness Coach practicing between Barcelona, London, Milan and Singapore where she has many loyal clients.
► Elisabetta empowers men and women to master their mind, body and personal relationships through renewing their confidence and building a sense of wellness. She does this through her unique Coaching In 4 Dimensions framework which takes into account the physical, emotional, intellectual and relational aspects of humanity.
► Elisabetta will inspire you to live the life you want to live, maximise your potential and achieve self mastery. Aside from coaching, Elisabetta is a passionate social activist and spokesperson against abuse.
► Elisabetta has been featured extensively across international and UK press including Thrive Global, Grazia Magazine, Breathe Magazine and Health & Wellbeing Magazine. Stay up to date with Elisabetta at www.instagram.com/elisabettafranzoso, www.linkedin.com/elisabettafranzoso and www.elisabettafranzoso.com.
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