The Wound of the Narcissist (Part 1)
The consequences in different areas of our human life
Let’s start with what characterizes a narcissist. the recurring characteristics in a pathological narcissist are varied: feelings of emptiness, boredom, and emotional anesthesia. Narcissists are often portrayed as charming, confident and proud, convincing and excellent communicators. Just look at some of the leaders who rule our world today! Let’s not forget that one of the most common characteristics of narcissism and its communication is … manipulation.
The narcissistic communication
Photo Source: https://www.newyorker.com/culture/jia-tolentino/what-happens-when-we-decide-everyone-else-is-a-narcissist
One thing needs to be clarified: the narcissist manipulates because he does not know other means of communication. In fact, during his childhood, the narcissist grew up learning to communicate by triggering feelings of guilt and diminishing the other in a relationship, and even changing the cards on the table in order not to admit his mistake and take responsibility. In fact, even the latter ( responsibility ) can be manipulated very well by the pathological narcissist! It does not know other ways. He does not know functional alternative ways to relate to the world.
A narcissist cannot act in a healthy way when communicating, it is not functional because he cannot access his innermost and intimate states: how can he therefore perceive his needs, as well as his and others' emotions? How can he take action and ask for help in case of discomfort and difficulty…?
The narcissist is unable to communicate his state of need when he is in need, when he is as fragile and vulnerable as a child and also as a teenager: the missing satisfaction of being recognised in that hidden need, leaves the narcissist prey of a frustration of which he is unable to recognise the cause.
Basically, the narcissist lacks a deep knowledge of himself because he is not in contact with the deeper and more intimate layers of the self. He doesn’t know himself. In general, he is not interested in getting to know himself. Why should he? He has learned to blame the other, to see the other and the world responsible for his unhappiness. He is and feels obviously OK! So what need does he have to get to know himself thoroughly?
The wound of the childhood
At this point it is necessary to take a step back into the past.
In fact, the unconscious ghosts of the narcissist's childhood work in the present, constantly determining a series of harmful attitudes for himself and others around him. These wounds, if ignored, are then strengthened by the egocentric dynamics present in all of us, human beings, in adolescence.
Photo Source: https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/9741
The narcissistic wound generated in childhood (which works unconsciously in adulthood) mainly concerns a failure to recognise the needs, desires, affectivity, victories of the narcissist while still a child or adolescent, and basically his existing as a person.
This lack of recognition and ‘respect ' for his needs triggers an internal state of anger which constantly works behind the scenes. In other words, anger in a narcissist is always present, even if it can be more or less explicit or perceived.
The sad part is that the narcissist, while feeling better than others, never manages to live up to his own expectations because, in some way, he unconsciously keeps sabotaging himself.
His intellectual and emotional self-sabotage makes him a slave to an unspoken and never satisfied desire: to be seen, to be recognised.
Unfortunately, even in adulthood, the narcissist will not be able to obtain that healthy recognition that he missed so much in childhood, unless he undertakes and completes an inner journey himself accompanied by a valid and loving therapist who knows how to welcome and recognise him without making him feeling judged. Otherwise, the narcissist will easily run away.
Dr. Scott Peck, in his People of the Lie, speaks about the unwillingness to suffer emotional pain that usually lies at the very root of emotional illness. And pathological narcissism is a recognised personality disorder, therefore an emotional illness. (p.123 - People of the Lie )
Photo Source: https://www.thecut.com/2016/08/sympathy-for-the-narcissists.html
Having suffered with continuity the misunderstanding and non-respect of their own needs at an early age, without even realizing it, the narcissist constantly puts himself to the test in adulthood. In this way, incurable wounds are created and accumulated in him and alone, without the accompaniment of a skilled therapist or psychological tools available today (Ex. Residential retreats that confront and sink their hands in the pain of the narcissist with compassion and solid acceptance) they will crystallize into painful childhood wounds in narcissistic adults.
And even in these cases, success is not guaranteed!
The narcissist's internal resistances are so powerful and his emotional inability to be intimate with himself and not feeling guilty pushes him to always go back to the old path: that of non-responsibility-accountability and self-deception, often accompanied by the search for self-celebration and denial to control the inner malaise from which he suffers.
Photo Source: https://www.thehealthy.com/mental-health/narcissist-quotes/
Dr Scott Peck well-explains how “ it is the unwillingness to suffer emotional pain that usually lies at the root of emotional illness”. And he adds on: “ Those who fully experience depression, doubt, confusion, and despair may be infinitely more healthy than those who are generally certain, complacent and self-satisfied.” (p.123 - People of the Lie )
The narcissist in adulthood: his defeat & the search for confirmation
It is precisely because of the exhausting, continuous search for confirmation that the narcissist does not have the ability to confront himself (for this reason he belittles and denigrates his neighbours) and is unable to watch and tolerate his defeats without falling into an endless abyss.
This not only leads with advancing age to a perpetual increase in a sense of emptiness typical of pathological narcissism. At the same time it will generate significant consequences in various spheres of his life, especially the relational one.
The narcissist's angry response, his constant perception of grandiosity, the excessive devaluation he makes of the other, the inability to understand who in relationship, the sense of shame, the inability to accept himself ... is continuous internal malaise to which the narcissist remains condemned for life, if he does not decide to take his life in his hands and does so already at an early age.
In fact, the more time advances, the more his childhood wound that has never been resolved will go gangrenous leading to an inauthentic life managed mainly by the wounded ego.
After long personal experience with relatives, friends and clients belonging to this category of personality disorder I came to agree that the healing of a pathological narcissist, especially after the age of 50, can be compared to a real miracle. ( or require a real miracle ).
And I believe miracles happen. Only they are not made by humans!
Reference:
- M. Scott Peck, M.D. - People Of The Lie - Touchstone 1983 p. 123
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► Elisabetta Franzoso is a multi continental Life and Wellness Coach practicing between Barcelona, London, Milan and Singapore where she has many loyal clients.
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