Happiness & The Art of Being Happy
Recently I was asked to contribute to an article on happiness and its connection to physical exercise. Interestingly enough, this is a topic I have been investigating and setting as top priority for myself too at the beginning of this year.
Clients often ask me: “What will make me happy? How can I make people around me happy?”
In a time in which I am surfacing the waves of change, I am daily challenging myself and asking: “Elisabetta, in this third stage of life, do you really want to be happy or not?”
In order to choose and decide, we need first to know what is happiness for each of us. Don’t you agree?
Happiness Defined
Let’s start with…. what happiness is not. Happiness is not a constant state of mind.
We can’t constantly be happy!
We may laugh and be excited for a time, but due to the nature of human life, this feeling or mood cannot always dwell within us. The reason for its temporary nature is the connection to moments of ‘glory’ e.g. celebrating a big achievement (graduating at university, going for an amazing holiday, finishing a full marathon, succeeding in reaching an important goal or dream! ) or a drastic and also pleasurable life change e.g. starting life after University, falling in love, going to live alone or in couple, having a baby, becoming a grandparent, winning the lottery!
However, joy is different. We can nurture a constant state of joy and we can also feel it when we are sad, e.g. I can be sad for a situation which is occurring in life or work and maintain a feeling of joy in heart.
I am assuming that the natural condition of us human beings is to experience happiness, certainly not merely a life of desperation like several people I have talked to choose to believe. If a person is often or chronically unhappy, no doubt something is missing and worthy of further investigation. Obviously it might not be that person’s fault or choice.
By working experience, I would maintain that in that the person might be lacking of true self-love and be unconsciously motivated by self-loath.
So what is happiness? Several philosophers and writers attempted to define it.
After many years of experience in the field of self-empowerment and self-actualisation I came to understand that as loving is an art ( Eric Fromm - The Art of Loving ), happiness is an art too. As all arts it requires willingness, effort, desire, knowledge and …practice.
Spending time with people from various walks of life and cultures, I have made few mental notes about the possible roads to happiness.
They might be of support in building up your own happiness definition.
Here they are:
1- Happiness is a choice and a decision.
I would like to begin with an assumption that I think can be analysed carefully. I am sure somebody may want to disagree and you are free do so.
I am assuming that the natural condition of a human being is to be happy and that happiness is a choice, despite what is occurring to us and around us.
Michael L.A. Singer in his popular book, The Untethered Soul, bravely affirms:
“ People tend to burden themselves with so many choices. But in the end, you can throw it all away and just make once basic, underlying decision:
‘Do you want to be happy, or do you not want to be happy?'
It’s really that simple. Once you make that choice, your path through life becomes totally clear.”
I fully agree: being happy is basically about taking a decision. Taking a decision is about killing the alternative.
But …many of us don’t dare give ourselves that choice because conditioned by our original family system and society we think choosing to be happy is out of our control.
I totally agree with with Michael Singer’s belief that if we keep our choice as simple as it is, we may recognise that being happy is absolutely under our own decision and control.
The real point is that we normally have a well rooted set of alternative preferences that gets on our way. Focusing on those ones we end up choosing being unhappy or even miserable.
2- Happiness is an inside-out job.
I also think that every one of us experience a stubborn, inborn desire for happiness which often creates an inner disappointment. Unfortunately all of us have at times experienced some frustration of this desire. Our dreams of happiness have been disappointed.
We dreamt something, we were ecstatic. But in the days that followed the dream had slowly, almost painlessly, died. And by this time we had begun another dream anyway. One by one they all seemed to have meteoric moments and then fade away. It is when our hopes for lasting happiness got lost somewhere along the way. Disillusion always seems to follow when we expect something or someone to make us happy.
One of the questions the human heart always asks is: “Who will make me happy?”
Our mistake begins when we expect that people assume responsibility for our happiness. Or when we have been made to believe that by accumulating money and material stuff we can be happy.
The challenging reality is that nothing and nobody can make us truly either happy or unhappy.
Since very young, we have learnt to search for happiness in the wrong places. We have pinned our hopes on other people or objects that simply cannot deliver. One of the reasons many of us confuse the source of happiness is given by our inner parent-messages that conditioned us as infants and adolescents. We came into this world seeking answers. And the the answers we got early in life were recorded in the memory department contained in our brain. All day long and even when we sleep, these inner parent-tapes are playing inside us. Invisibly they limit our choice for a life of happiness.
I am convinced that happiness when understood in its really meaning is within the reach of everyone!
Beside a choice and a decision, happiness is a promise, a commitment with ourselves first and independent from what happens outside. The main obstacle is that if we reach or look out in order to achieve it, we are certainly not moving in the right direction.
Happiness is and has always been an inside-out job. With happiness, the paradigm outside-in we have been subjected and conditioned to since childhood, doesn’t work.
3- Happiness is a by-product of our free will and specific life tasks.
I believe that being happy is attained by killing the alternative of being not happy or miserable and by doing ‘something else’.
Happiness cannot directly be pursued. All our attempts to seek happiness directly are doomed. Almost everything else we can search for and acquire directly: shelter, food, knowledge, wealth. Not so with happiness. Happiness is the result of a balanced, peaceful and joyful state of mind which we can choose to nurture through specific tasks which I believe can be condensed into 12 life practices.
My 12 Life Practices
Learning to observe instead of judging ourselves and others
Fulfilling our personal physical, mental, emotional and spiritual needs
Deciding to make our lives an act of love
Choosing not to conform
Seeking constant growth and expansion, not perfection
Practicing effective communication
Making play and pleasure a regular part of life
Developing self-discipline and will-power
Deciding to live out of trust, not fear
Embracing stillness, solitude and silence as a regular daily practice
Becoming patient, resilient and persistent: accepting all that comes to our way as part of our life purpose
Being forgiving and graceful with ourselves and others
Certainly they are not simple things that can be done once and for all time to come. Happiness is not a quick fix. It is a gradual growth process. We can accomplish our life tasks only gradually, day after day, moth after month, year after year, while slowly penetrating more and more the authentic meaning of authentic happiness.
4 - The path of happiness is a bridge to be crossed not a corner to be turned.
According to my experience it is a deliberate magic adventure back home, towards our essence, our spiritual centre which is nothing else that unconditional love: love for ourselves and for others.
Caring for Body & Mind as a Key Component of Happiness
Nurturing a healthy mind and a healthy body ( it doesn’t matter how old you are! ) is basic element and practice for a life where happiness and joy dwell.
We need to learn and practice day by day what we refer to as a positive attitude: stimulating positive thoughts and emotions, no matter what happens in life and work as well as being resilient when things get tough.
The involvement of self-responsibility and self respect are also key practices to build a positive attitude leading to happiness.
a- The link between happiness and exercise
Movement and exercise! I am a great supporter of ‘physical movement’, it enhances our mental and emotional state, which is necessary to achieve joy and happiness!
Physical exercise may be connected to moments of sparkling happiness, it contributes to giving us a ‘high’. When I exercise and push myself, my physical activity triggers a release of dopamine and serotonin, which usually has the power to boost my mood.
Exercise improves mental health and overall aids a positive mind, both with intellect and emotions. It motivates positive choices and actions which sustain the achievement of goals and dreams. All leads to deepening our joy and making us experience happiness.
b- The link between happiness and social connection
We are human beings. We are born to be connected, to spend time together celebrating, having fun, making love, sharing, listening or staying in silence. Together we can exchange and recharge our inner mental and emotional energy.
Normally, we do not like to be alone. The presence of people around is a major factor when it comes to living moments of happiness or building and sustaining joy inside.
We all could decide to all have a common goal when it comes to happiness:
We should do our best to achieve a balance between having moments of happiness in company / community, and by ourselves too, in peaceful solitude (without the use of social media).
It is when we may achieve the real goal: being ‘whole’ human beings who can build happy moments in company of others, and also be happily fulfilled by our own joyful and peaceful presence.
To me this is the authentic way to reach a state of deep, lasting happiness when it comes to social connection.
Something Important to Keep in Mind & Heart
Being happy is a choice and starts inside us: we can choose happiness because we know we have control on our decisions: we can kill the alternatives ( e.g.being unhappy or miserable ) using our free will.
However, this is really dependent on the individual's deep desire and ability to make use of his/her free will and make that choice. Important is to be aware that desire can be inspired and abilities can be learnt.
Let’s all remember that…
“Nobody can make me happy: Happiness is an inside-out job!”
Elisabetta Franzoso
Life & Wellness Coach
Book References :
L.A.Singer - The Untethered Soul
Eric Fromm - The Art of Loving
This blog post is categorised in the Emotional Dimensions. To view blog post based on the 4 dimensions click on the links below:
If what has been written resonates with you, book a free introductory call to see how we could work together.
► Elisabetta Franzoso is a multi continental Life and Wellness Coach practicing between Barcelona, London, Milan and Singapore where she has many loyal clients.
► Elisabetta empowers men and women to master their mind, body and personal relationships through renewing their confidence and building a sense of wellness. She does this through her unique Coaching In 4 Dimensions framework which takes into account the physical, emotional, intellectual and relational aspects of humanity.
► Elisabetta will inspire you to live the life you want to live, maximise your potential and achieve self mastery. Aside from coaching, Elisabetta is a passionate social activist and spokesperson against abuse.
► Elisabetta has been featured extensively across international and UK press including Thrive Global, Grazia Magazine, Breathe Magazine and Health & Wellbeing Magazine. Stay up to date with Elisabetta at www.instagram.com/elisabettafranzoso, www.linkedin.com/elisabettafranzoso and www.elisabettafranzoso.com.
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