Parenting Skills II: Raising Successful Children
Who are Successful Children?
Let’s start with who they aren’t. Successful Children are not the children who attended top tier universities in the world. They are not the ones who, consciously or unconsciously, fulfil the dreams and desire of their parents. They are not the children who follow their parents' careers because that's what is expected of them nor are they the ones who rebel against their families’ standards. They don’t strive to be better than their parents but simply choose to live their own destiny. Successful Children do not allow themselves to be driven by guilt and responsibilities that don’t belong to them, and they are not driven by unconscious vindictiveness either. They do not lack EQ, rather, they know how to manage their emotions well.
Successful Children are the children who received acceptance, positive nurturing, and encouragement through challenging times. They are the ones who know the difference between conditional and unconditional love because they saw it practiced by their parents first and foremost. Successful Children are the children who grew up with positive and firm guidance, and were given a set of positive beliefs and the ability to freely express themselves emotionally. They were listened to and respected, not just as children, but as human beings. Successful Children are the children who learnt about their free will and ability to make their own choices and mistakes from their parents, therefore learning that they shape their own destinies from an early age. Successful Children are the kids who’s parents were committed to not using them to fill their own voids.
image by Sebastián León Prado
Successful Children are not the children who feel they must live up to the standards of excellence and integrity that their parents may or may not set up for them. They are guided and shown examples of moral values and then left free to choose what to make of the foundation of their own lives. Successful Children maintain a childlike, confident and curious attitude and nurture positive, non-judgemental thoughts towards themselves and others. Successful Children know and practice self-love and self-responsibility. They choose trust and courage over fear and toxic shame.
Is what I’m suggesting utopic? Absolutely not.
We’ve all been children. We’ve all had parents. We’ve all learnt from our parents. Our parents are our role models after all. But the difference between us and them is that you’re sat there reading this, and I’m sat here writing it. We are actively looking to become more aware, we have the choice to become more self-aware. Our parents weren’t all as fortunate as we are. The majority may have lived a life believing that there was no way to change and therefore unconsciously set themselves up to live out the same destiny as that of their own parents.
Today we have a choice. We can choose to become different parents (note: not better or worse, as I outlined in PART I, simply different). We can choose to follow a different path and break the chain.
As I said in PART I, being a parent isn’t so much about doing more or less for our children. It’s not even about doing more for ourselves in order to show our children that we’re the best parents. And we can’t learn to be parents by merely reading books or attending workshops, although new information can empower and motivate us.
Recap on what it means to be a parent
Being a parent is just that… being. Nobody is born a skilled and all-omniscient parent, even those lucky enough to have had a peaceful upbringing. Being a parent is about becoming. It’s a process and a never ending life process at that.
When I gave birth to my daughter, Stella, I was terrified. Leonardo, her father and my then-husband, was probably even more scared, having already raised two kids from his previous marriage.
I was scared because I had no clue how to raise a child. Nobody had given me any information or education on the subject, no wisdom was bestowed upon me by an old sage. When Stella was born, I did not know of or have access to any parenting skills books or manuals. And Stella’s father was scared because of the trauma he’d had to face having two children of his own and going through a divorce.
Of course, he already knew how to change diapers and deal with children crying at night when they’re hungry or in pain. But like me, he didn’t know what it meant to raise a child in a way that accepted and supported them intellectually, emotionally and physically.
Materially what you can provide for a child doesn’t make much of a difference between a parent and a child. It’s in fact the time you can share and be with them on an emotional, intellectual and physical level that makes the biggest difference. It doesn’t matter how many activities or hobbies you get your child to engage with, what matters is whether and how you encourage them to find and nurture their innate gifts. It doesn’t matter how well your child executes the life you think they should have, but rather your ability to embrace and love them just the way that they are.
My mum dreamt of being an accountant and working in a bank back in the day. When she wasn’t able to attain that dream, it suddenly became mine (according to her). On the contrary, my dream was to study languages and travel the world. Never coming close to meeting her expectations for me meant I began disappointing her very early in life. We didn’t have the strongest relationship because I wasn’t willing to do what she desired me to do. She wanted things her way, and I wanted them mine. Sound familiar?
My mother was very demanding because her own father had been the same with her. To this day, she never fully accepted me for who I am, a human being who was simply different to her.
image by Daiga Ellaby
What about the difference in years between the first born and the children that follow? What about gender? What about the special bond that’s developed between one child to each or both parents because of the various reasons laid out above?
All these questions and variables are valid, which is why the main point to take away from this blog is that every child and situation is unique. There is no parental manual because no two children will ever be the same. A child who spent the first ten years of their lives a single child might not go on to take the responsible role when child two comes along, nor will child two necessarily take on the rebel persona, simply because of the huge age gap.
So, what can we conclude from all this?
Certainly that the order in which children are born directly impacts their development and the family dynamic. As we’ve seen however, there are so many other factors that, over time, can affect children and their relationship to their parents. Awareness is the tool that helps us navigate parenthood beyond all these factors that remain out of our control. At times, it’s not so much when our child is born, but the similarities or differences we share with our children that creates the difference in the way they develop. If we blindly take to the child most similar to us, or oppositely, push them away because they’re too similar to us, we affect who they become.
Awareness allows us to react and relate to our children from an authentic and loving standpoint no matter the projections or transferences we might experience. Awareness makes us more sensitive and empathetic to each of our children’s individual experiences… it’s not about being perfect, but we can certainly transform ourselves to allow our children to grow up and be the most authentic version of themselves possible, regardless of their place in the order of the family.
This article was featured on Thrive Global
Read my blog post Wholeness: The Search for our Lost Self for more in-depth information on investing in yourself and beginning the journey, Self Awareness: A Lifetime Journey for more on the importance of getting to know yourself and steps on how to and Do I Need a Life Coach? for some advice on how to find the right coach to support you on your journey. You can also read more about the Parenting Skills coaching I provide HERE.
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► Elisabetta Franzoso is a multi continental Life and Wellness Coach practicing between Barcelona, London, Milan and Singapore where she has many loyal clients.
► Elisabetta empowers men and women to master their mind, body and personal relationships through renewing their confidence and building a sense of wellness. She does this through her unique Coaching In 4 Dimensions framework which takes into account the physical, emotional, intellectual and relational aspects of humanity.
► Elisabetta will inspire you to live the life you want to live, maximise your potential and achieve self mastery. Aside from coaching, Elisabetta is a passionate social activist and spokesperson against abuse.
► Elisabetta has been featured extensively across international and UK press including Thrive Global, Grazia Magazine, Breathe Magazine and Health & Wellbeing Magazine. Stay up to date with Elisabetta at instagram.com/elisabettafranzoso and www.elisabettafranzoso.com
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